You may share these with your friends.
Subject: Performance vs Position
A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not ?
The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!
God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so so, Head Priest of the so so Church for the last 40 years.
God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?!'
'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.
'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people really PRAYED'
It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.
LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
1 Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8! vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
The doctor said, 'Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Fred was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
Fred laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Fred tried on the suitit fit perfectly.
As Fred admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Fred thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Fred and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Fred was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Fred tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Fred walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Fred thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
Fred laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you!I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
SUBJECT ; MEMOIRS OF IMH (Institute of Mental Hospital)
Patient A: "So how... this book not bad yah?"
Patient B: "Yah agree, excellent! Astounding work. No nonsense, sharp and concise to the point. But there's a major flaw in this piece of art – too many character names to remember!!!"
Nurse: "Hey! Can the two of you put the telephone book back to the original place?"
A doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ears off, what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."
Doctor: "Hmm…that's normal...so if I were to cut your other ear off, what will happen then?"
Patient: "I will not be able to see..."
The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"
Patient: "Because my spectacles will fall off..."
IMH has an old lady who wears black, carries a black umbrella and squats at the entrance to the IMH everyday without fail, rain or shine.
The doctor wanted to administer treatment for her but decided to understand her behavior first.
So, the doctor also wears black and carries a black umbrella; squatted besides her everyday. The days go by...the two of them squatted side-by-side w/o a single exchange of word. After one solid month, the old lady finally broke the silence and asked the doctor: "Err....Excuse me! Are you also a mushroom?"
A nurse saw a patient writing a letter. She got curious and went to take a peek. But the patient didn't wanna let her see.
Nurse (unable to contain her curiosity): "Who are you writing to?"
Patient: "I'm writing a letter to myself..."
Her curiosity grew and she thought to herself (Why would someone write a letter to himself?)
So she asked again: "So...what's written inside?"
Patient (got impatient): "You crazy ah? I haven't received the letter, how would I know??"
Two patients escape from the IMH. They climbed up a tree and one of them fell from the tree and started rolling on the ground.
After a while, the patient below shouted to the one on top: "Hey! How come you are not coming down yet?"
The patient on top replied: "No. no...I can't...I'm not ripe yet"
One patient visited the doctor: "Doc...How? I think I'm a chicken since the day I was born..."
Doctor: "Wah! That’s very serious...Why do you only come and seek treatment now?"
Patient: "Because my family needs me to hatch the eggs..."
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he
accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.
One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem...no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."
Here’s what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that"
The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
Subject: Fwd: How to tell if you are Chinese. (Again!)
You must read this. Most of them are very true. I think they apply
to most Asian.
Wot only 88?
Subject: 88 Ways to know you're Asian! They missed out 888... hehe
88 Ways to Know you're Chinese/Asian
1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and
wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.
2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50%
3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store
in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved
4. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.
5. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.
6. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
7. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.
8. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.
9. You have never used your dishwasher.
10. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
11. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator.
12. You eat all meals in the kitchen.
13. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
15. You always leave your shoes at the door.
16. You have a piano in your living room.
17. Your parents know how to launch nasal and throat projectiles.
18. You iron your own shirts.
19. You drive a Honda or Acura and are less than 5'8"tall.
20. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your
21. You twirl your pen around your fingers.
22. You hate to waste food.....a) Even if you're totally full, if
says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll
them. (Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa)
have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one
23. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used
carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.
24. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses.
25. You've eaten a red bean Popsicle.
26. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you
27. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take
time you stay in a hotel.
28. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or
plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or
29. Ditto paper napkins.
30. You wipe your plate and utensils before you eat every time you
go to a
31. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and
means any car ride longer than 15 minutes)...These travel snacks are
dried. As in not just dried plums, dried ginger, and beef/pork
dried cuttlefish (SQUID).
32. You own a rice cooker.
33. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.
34. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table. (That's why
the vinyl tablecloth).
35. Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges
guests just brought just to be courteous.
36. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.
37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
38. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or
39. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys
dance floor trying to look cool.
40. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and they
that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live in the
next door to your parents, or at least in the same
41. You don't use measuring cups.
42. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
43. You beat eggs with chopsticks.
44. You re-gift cookies or Christmas cake at Christmas (some could
more than 5yrs old).
45. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
46. You reuse teabags.
47. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don't write
48. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman. If
over 20, you own a really expensive camera.
49. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since
Information costs 50 cents.
0. You don't tip more than 10% at a restaurant, and if you do, you
Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.
51. You're a wok user.
52. You only make long distance calls after 11pm.
53. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurants.
54. You like Chinese films in their original undubbed versions a)
Chinese Martial Arts films. b) Shao Lin and Wu Tang actually mean
55. You have acquired a taste for bittermelon.
56. You like congee with thousand year old eggs.
57. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attatched--
means they're fresh.
58. You never call your parents just to say hi.
59. You always cook too much.
60. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if
eaten, even if it's midnight.
61. Also, if you don't live at home, your parents always want you to
62. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get
63. When you're sick, they also tell you not to eat fried foods or
goods because they produce hot air (yeet hay in Cantonese).
64. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only
65. Your parents never go to the movies.
66. Your parents send money to their relatives in China.
67. You use a face cloth.
68. Your parents use a clothes line.
69. You're always late.
70. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the
piece of food on the table.
71. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat buffet.
72. You've joined a CD club at least once.
73. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or
74. You never discuss your love life with your parents.
75. Your parents are never happy with your grades!!
76. You save your old Coke bottle glasses even though you're never
use them again.
77. You use own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
78. You keep most of your money in a savings account.
79. You own an MJ set and possibly have a room set up in the
80. You know what MJ means. [no, it's not Michael Jackson:
81. You've been on the Love Boat or know someone who has.
82. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
83. You say "wei" when answering your cell phone.
84. You are familiar with the term "aiee yah...".
85. You know what moon cakes are.
86. You know why this list consists of only "88" reasons.
87. You enclose your remote controls in plastic to keep greasy
88. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese
A little humor with good moral.
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the Race
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is .. . .. being concerned about public
bring you much grief and misery . even shorten your
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I
guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe
this!!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to
see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!
1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY.......)
and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your
right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I
both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
Send it to your friends to frustrate them too.
I just did.
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for *'Basic
Information Before Leaving Earth*.'
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments!!" answered the lady.
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good Lord, it's morning."
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
A teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
The parish priest was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the parish priest paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, *please stand up!*"
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The National Anthem"
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk...!
Have a Blessed and Wonderful Day - Always!
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